We have all heard about wives who find out to their surprise that their husband is a crossdresser. What is a woman to do?
This is the second part of a series that describes how a woman might handle the unexpected discovery that her husband secretly dresses in women's clothes. In the first part, I described Miss Carolyn's advice about the best way to react at the time of the discovery. I also touched on some of the things a woman might feel and mostly dispelled one major concern, the fear that the husband is gay. I ended part one by describing the immediate power-shift in the relationship, which happens in any female-male relationship, when you see him dressed in women's clothes.
Miss Carolyn's advice about the best way to react at the time of discovery involved telling him that you two will be talking over the situation soon and then immediately leaving. The reasons for this approach are twofold: First, it lets him know that his secret is out and that you are not going to ignore it and second, leaving without giving him a chance to respond increases his tension about what is to come.
If the discovery has already occurred and you did not respond in this way, don't worry, it may not be too late to follow Miss Carolyn's advice. You can start by bringing up the subject at an unexpected time, such as when he is watching sports or working in the yard, and letting him know that you want to talk about it... when you get home. The key is to do this when you are leaving for a short time and to give him as little chance as possible to react. This will have the same tension-building effect mentioned earlier.
Then leave. Go shopping, have a drink, get your nails done, have fun! But you have some thinking to do during this time. After all, you have to decide what you want to do with your new-found power. You also have to acknowledge that your husband has been hiding this side of himself from you and you may feel resentful or even betrayed. However, it is important that you understand the reason that he kept this secret from you.
The reason is many-faceted but it boils down to one main thing: It is because he loves you and he is concerned about what you think of him. Through no fault of his own, he has been taught that femininity is inferior to masculinity and therefore he is deeply conflicted about his need to express himself in a feminine manner. It is because of this conflict within himself that he felt he needed to keep this secret from you. He was afraid that you would think less of him because of this feminine side.
And the truth is, you were raised in the same society. You might also feel that femininity is "less" than masculinity, if only at a subconscious level. You have to examine your own feelings and be honest, do you think less of him now that you have seen that he needs to express a feminine side? If so, it is something with which you will need to come to terms. Why would you think less of him upon finding him dressed in woman's clothes? Would he think less of you if he found you dressed in man's clothes? Probably not. And why is that? You need to consider this and the whole situation may turn out to be a learning experience for both of you.
Miss Carolyn's advice: Accept that your husband has a feminine aspect that he needs to express, forgive him for keeping it a secret, and get over your negative feelings of resentment or betrayal. He did not intend to hurt you. If fact, it is because of his love for you that he was trying to protect your feelings. True, he may not be exactly the man that you thought you married, but if you think less of him, it is because you yourself harbor feelings that women (and femininity) are inferior to men (masculinity).
Now, about that "new-found power" I mentioned. You may not feel it (yet) but it happened in his mind the instant you saw him in panties (or in a dress, or whatever). He felt exposed and vulnerable and you were suddenly in possession of his deepest, darkest secret. You are now in a position to bring about almost any change in your marriage that you desire.
So, what will you do? Needless to say, Miss Carolyn has some ideas and advice about that. In order to keep things short, I will cover these in my next article. Thanks for reading and I do hope you will stick around as I continue the series!